Kids are Not Confidants – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

The following post was submitted by Kathy Teeple, M.A.  Overburdening your children with every detail about your divorce process is not helping them.  Read “Kids are Not Confidants” to learn more about helping children cope with divorce.

Kids Are Not Confidants

By Kathy L. Teeple, M.A.

There’s an old phrase “misery loves company” and it’s true … when you’re miserable you want to share it with others.  I know when I’m feeling down the thing I crave the most is someone with whom I can whine and complain … I want someone to take my side, pat my hand and agree that things are awful.   And when my whining is justified it makes things better.

When you separate you are given the biggest ticket out there to unlimited whining, and it’s justified.  You can gather your friends and they will all agree that life is not fair, you deserve better, and, yes, your spouse is the biggest jerk in the world.  Friends are great when going through a separation and a divorce.  They lift your spirits, they give you encouragement, and they listen without judgment.  But your friends have their own lives and they are not always available at a moment’s notice.  Plus, as your separation drags on you simply don’t want to constantly call your friends and burden them with your misery.  So you turn to the next best thing … your children.  Oh, this is a bad idea on so many levels, but it is a common occurrence.

Kids are an easy target for complaints during separation and divorce.  They’re easily accessible and they’re often a captive audience.  Sometimes complaining to them happens quite by accident.  You are overwhelmed by the circumstances and you lash out.  Perhaps you’ve just spoken to your estranged spouse and need somewhere to unload your anger or frustration.  It’s so easy to turn to your child and say “Your mom/dad is such a jerk.  S/He’s refusing …”

Sometimes a parent will use the misguided idea of “truth” to justify his/her confidences to a child.  I’ve worked with parents who tell me that they have never lied to their child and won’t begin now.  While that’s a noble idea, it isn’t a necessarily a great idea in separation.  It is too easy to confide too much in a child and overwhelm them.  Additionally, the “truth” you are telling is based on your perception of the situation.  Your spouse has another perception entirely.  If both of you are confiding your perceptions of the “truth” the children can easily become confused.

While some parents confide in their children on an occasional/accidental basis, others do it in a calculated manner that is designed to sway the children to their “side.”  This is a dangerous practice.  Children view both parents as a source of security.  If one parent is constantly berating or degrading the other parent that undermines the child’s sense of security.  In the short term a child may side with one parent over the other, but over time the child may begin to resent the parent’s berating of the other parent.

Helping Children Cope With Divorce

Information can be a good thing, but children may feel overburdened with too much information about your separation and divorce.  Children naturally worry when their parents separate. If you are using your child as your sounding board you are adding to their worry.  Children need to know the basics about separation and divorce; they need to know they are loved and that while things may be different, they will be okay.  Children don’t need to know every detail of your separation.  They don’t need to know your every concern, and they certainly don’t need to know your fears for the future.

It is natural to want to share your pain and fears with others, but choose carefully.  Children don’t need to know the specifics of your separation; they don’t need to know “where the bodies are hidden.”  They need to know that they a loved by both parents.

Ever Changing River, LLC educates individuals about the divorce process through online videos.  Currently offering limited-time introductory pricing at a 73% savings.  Read more at Why Join River BaNCTM.  

DISCLAIMER:  The information provided on Ever Changing River, LLC website, or at any Ever Changing River, LLC program, is not legal, financial, medical, therapeutic, counseling, mediation, coaching, real estate or mortgage advice.  No attorney/client, doctor/patient, or other relationship is formed through this website or through Ever Changing River, LLC programs.  Ever Changing River, LLC is not a referral service.  Any advertisement on this website, or at any Ever Changing River, LLC program, or in any Ever Changing River, LLC publication, does not in any way constitute a referral or endorsement by Ever Changing River, LLC. 

 

 

April 14, 2012, Separation and Divorce Workshop, Ashburn, VA. Mediation, Financial, Emotional Support and Real Estate Aspects Covered

April 14th – Separation and Divorce Workshop, Ashburn, VA  Visit our website for complete details and program information.

Ever Changing River, LLC is a local online and in-person educational resource about the issues surrounding separation and divorce, no matter where you are in the process. Decisions made at this critical juncture will impact the rest of your life. Oftentimes you must make important decisions when you are in emotional turmoil and least able to think rationally.

Divorce happens. Complete devastation as a result of divorce does not have to happen. Solid knowledge leads to better choices….and a better life following divorce, for you and your family.  Be proactive about your future.

When: April 14, 2012, 8:30 AM to 1:15 pm
Where: Long and Foster Realtors
43490 Yukon Drive, Suite 205
Ashburn, VA 20147
Cost: $30/pre-registered; $40/door; $15/returning attendees

Pre-registger here.

April 14, 2012 Presenters

Family Mediation Aspects: Daniel R. Burk, President, Resolution Point, LLC, and Family Mediator at Northern Virginia Mediation Service, serves Loudoun, Fairfax, Alexandria and Arlington. Danny Burk is an attorney licensed by the Commonwealth of Virginia since 1981 and the District of Columbia since 1984. He is also a Virginia Supreme Court certified mediator. Mr. Burke will talk about family mediation, what the process is, what is involved, and how it works.

Financial Aspects: Linda Black, ChFC, CRPC, has worked in the financial services industry for over 12 years. She has earned her Chartered Financial Consultant (ChFC) and Chartered Retirement Planning Counselor (CRPC) designations. Her practice is focused on financial planning and retirement income solutions for women. Linda helps her clients make financial decisions based on where they want to go next. She fully subscribes to a transformational approach to financial planning as opposed to a transactional one. Linda is licensed in Virginia and Maryland. Linda will talk about creating budgets for two households, valuing and dividing assets, the scenario approach to decisions, and retirement issues.

Emotional Aspects: Nina K. Flowers, LPC, MEd., of counseling Solutions, Inc., provides psychotherapy services for adults, adolescents, and children through individual, family and couples counseling. She has particular expertise in counseling those who are coping with their own or a family members’ abuse, mood or anxiety disorders, relationship or self-esteem concerns, ADD/ADHD and other disorders. Her primary theoretical orientations are Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and Play Therapy. Nina will talk about the anxiety and stree — what they are, how to recognize them, and coping mechanisms.

Real Estate Aspects: Pamela Jones, ABR, CRB, GRI, Pamela Jones, Inc., Long and Foster Realtors, is a career REALTOR® who began working with buyers and sellers in1983. Her dedication to her clients made her the #1 agent in Loudoun County in 2006. Pam has excellent business sense, detailed knowledge of the local market, and outstanding negotiating skills. Pam will give an update of the local real estate market, which differs vastly from the “national” picture we so often hear about.

Life Coaching Aspects:  Ever Changing River, LLC, will lead you through some exercises to help you explore your next steps and create a “next steps” action plan. This action plan will be different for each person…from “let me continue to think about all this” to “here are my top 3 items to complete by next Friday.” It is important to find the approach that is best for you, not someone else.

What River BaNC Attendees Are Saying:

“What a great workshop format for individuals who are trying to educate themselves on the various aspects of separating and/or divorce. The environment was awesome, and a really great selection of presenters.”

“I learned so much from all the speakers. I feel better about my situation, knowing that I am not alone.”

“I will absolutely recommend this program.”

“Empowering!”

Disclaimer: River BaNC, River Chat and all Ever Changing River, LLC programs are intended for informational purposes only. They do not constitute legal, financial, emotional, real estate or mortgage advice or counseling. You should seek the advice of qualified legal, financial, psychological, real estate, mortgage and any other necessary professionals regarding your own individual situation outside of any Ever Changing River, LLC program.

 

Apr 14, 2012, Separation and Divorce Workshop, Educational, Focusing on Mediation, Ashburn, VA

Visit our website for more information on all of our programs in Virginia and Maryland.

Be proactive and protect your future. Knowledge equals power.  Save time and money by attending…speak with our professionals in person.

Our River BaNC (TM) Separation and Divorce Workshop can help. You do not need to go through this process alone. And if it is overwhelming for you right now, consider asking a friend to attend with you. Let us know ahead of time, and your friend can attend with you at no cost.

On April 14th, you will hear from knowledgeable and compassionate professionals from the mediation, financial, and counseling/therapist industries. For the “how to” portion, this month we are concentrating on mediation. These professionals will share information with you to help you understand the process of divorce and what your next steps might be. With this information, you can begin to formulate your personal plan.

When: April 14, Separation & Divorce 101 Workshop, Ashburn, VA, Loudoun County

“River BaNC” – Basic Navigational Course

Registration at 8:15 AM

Program runs from 8:30 AM to 1:15 PM

Where: Ashburn Long and Foster Realtors Training Room

43490 Yukon Drive, Suite # 205

Ashburn, VA 20147

Cost: $30/pre-registered; $40/door; $15/returning attendees

Preregistration link.

April 14, 2012

Family Mediation Aspects: Daniel R. Burk, President, Resolution Point, LLC, and Family Mediator at Northern Virginia Mediation Service, serves Loudoun, Fairfax, Alexandria and Arlington. Danny Burk is an attorney licensed by the Commonwealth of Virginia since 1981 and the District of Columbia since 1984. He is also a Virginia Supreme Court certified mediator. Mr. Burke will talk about family mediation, what the process is, what is involved, and how it works.

Financial Aspects: Linda Black, ChFC, CRPC, has worked in the financial services industry for over 12 years. She has earned her Chartered Financial Consultant (ChFC) and Chartered Retirement Planning Counselor (CRPC) designations. Her practice is focused on financial planning and retirement income solutions for women. Linda helps her clients make financial decisions based on where they want to go next. She fully subscribes to a transformational approach to financial planning as opposed to a transactional one. Linda is licensed in Virginia and Maryland. Linda will talk about creating budgets for two households, valuing and dividing assets, the scenario approach to decisions, and retirement issues.

Emotional Aspects: Nina K. Flowers, LPC, MEd., of counseling Solutions, Inc., provides psychotherapy services for adults, adolescents, and children through individual, family and couples counseling. She has particular expertise in counseling those who are coping with their own or a family members’ abuse, mood or anxiety disorders, relationship or self-esteem concerns, ADD/ADHD and other disorders. Her primary theoretical orientations are Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and Play Therapy. Nina will talk about the anxiety and stree — what they are, how to recognize them, and coping mechanisms.

Real Estate Aspects: Pamela Jones, ABR, CRB, GRI, Pamela Jones, Inc., Long and Foster Realtors, is a career REALTOR® who began working with buyers and sellers in1983. Her dedication to her clients made her the #1 agent in Loudoun County in 2006. Pam has excellent business sense, detailed knowledge of the local market, and outstanding negotiating skills. Pam will give an update of the local real estate market, which differs vastly from the “national” picture we so often hear about.

Life Coaching Aspects: Ever Changing River, LLC, will lead you through some exercises to help you explore your next steps and create a “next steps” action plan. This action plan will be different for each person…from “let me continue to think about all this” to “here are my top 3 items to complete by next Friday.” It is important to find the approach that is best for you, not someone else.

Disclaimer: River BaNC, River Chat and all Ever Changing River, LLC programs are intended for informational purposes only. They do not constitute legal, financial, emotional, real estate or mortgage advice or counseling. You should seek the advice of qualified legal, financial, psychological, real estate, mortgage and any other necessary professionals regarding your own individual situation outside of any Ever Changing River, LLC program.

What River BaNC Attendees Are Saying:

“What a great workshop format for individuals who are trying to educate themselves on the various aspects of separating and/or divorce. The environment was awesome, and a really great selection of presenters.”

“I learned so much from all the speakers. I feel better about my situation, knowing that I am not alone.”

“I will absolutely recommend this program.”

“Empowering!”

Divorce Education, March 3, Ashburn, VA – When Separation or Divorce Might be in your Future

Visit our website for complete details and to register.

Join us Saturday, March 3, 2012, in Ashburn, Virginia, when we hold our Separation and Divorce Educational Workshop. Learn from professionals in the family law, financial and therapy fields about approaches to the legal, financial and emotional aspects of divorce.

Our presenters:

Legal Aspects: Patricia E. Tichenor, Esq., owner and principal attorney of The Law Office of Patricia E. Tichenor, P.L.L.C., is an experienced domestic relations and general law attorney serving clients in Northern Virginia since October 2001. Ms. Tichenor is dedicated to helping clients move forward with their lives, fighting to protect their rights with respect to custody, visitation, child support, and spousal support. If an amicable settlement can be reached, Ms. Tichenor works to make the divorce process as simple, affordable and quick as possible. Ms. Tichenor will give an overview of the legal aspects of divorce, including the separation and divorce process, equitable property distribution, and custody and support guidelines.

Financial Aspects: Pamela J. Sams, CRPC, is a Financial Advisor with Financial Planning Services in Northern Virginia. For 10 years, she has been helping women and their families improve their personal and financial wealth through good financial planning. Her education and training enables her to help clients successfully navigate through the myriad of personal and financial decisions they face during their lives. She assists them in attaining a higher level of financial security through education, understanding, and scenario planning. Pamela will talk about creating budgets for two households, valuing and dividing assets, the scenario approach to decisions, and retirement issues.

Emotional Aspects: Rona Hitlin-Mason, LPC, also holds Masters degrees in Counseling and Development and Accounting, and a Post-Master’s Certificate in Marriage and Family Therapy. She strongly believes that you have the strength and skills to weather this transition in your life, and she finds it an honor to accompany people on their journey to self-acceptance and relief of symptoms. Rona will give you an emotional roadmap, talking about the emotional stages of divorce and how best to manage yourself during this journey. Her talk is entitled: Right Now It’s Normal to feel “Crazy”!!

Real Estate Aspects: Pamela Jones, ABR, CRB, GRI, Pamela Jones, Inc., Long and Foster Realtors, is a career REALTOR® who began working with buyers and sellers in1983. Her dedication to her clients made her the #1 agent in Loudoun County in 2006. Pam has excellent business sense, detailed knowledge of the local market, and outstanding negotiating skills. Pam will give an update of the local real estate market, which differs vastly from the “national” picture we so often hear about.

Life Coaching Aspects: Ever Changing River, LLC, will lead you through some exercises to help you explore your core values and beliefs, and then create your “next steps” action plan. This action plan will be different for each person…from “let me continue to think about all this” to “here are my top 3 items to complete by next Friday.” It is important to find the approach that is best for you, not someone else.

Disclaimer: River BaNC and River Chat programs are intended for informational purposes only. They do not constitute legal, financial, emotional, real estate or mortgage advice or counseling. You should seek the advice of qualified legal, financial, psychological, real estate, mortgage and any other necessary professionals regarding your own individual situation outside of any Ever Changing River, LLC program.